"B.S." in Communication

I know what you're thinking, but the "B.S." actually stands for Bachelor of Science, though sometimes I think the other term is more appropriate.

When people ask about my degree in communication, I struggle to explain what all I learned and how it could benefit me now and in the future. I took an assortment of journalism courses, learning laws, ethics, how to edit, how to get my writing published, etc. I also concentrated, for a year or two, in public relations and event management (that was all a big blur, honestly, and I came out with more frustrations than knowledge, hence I exited the program just before my final semester). I also took several technical writing courses, which I absolutely loved and excelled in, though I seldom put those skills to good use. Finally, I worked to get my minor in business, taking more than a handful of marketing classes, and a totally different perspective on communication.

What am I doing with this education now?

Not much.

However, the one class that stands out to me the most when I think back is the Interpersonal Communication class I took my sophomore year. Oddly enough, that course entailed much of what I communicate to my students now. My youngest kids seem to understand why it's so important to talk about our feelings, but many of us adults don't know how to do that in a way that doesn't offend the person with whom we have a conflict.

In conclusion (jk, not really), I learned in college just how ineffective my conflict resolution skills had been. A tad late, no?
What if I had learned about I-messages and how to express my feelings at an earlier age? Could some of my relationships now be better than they actually are? Could I have avoided countless fights and arguments and misunderstandings during my first 20 years of living? (Probably, assuming the other parties had received the same education--relationships are not one-way streets, after all.) And now that I have this awareness, how can I possibly make these changes today, considering the fact that these other parties have not received this education or been made aware of their own errors?

Well, if I could learn late, then so can others. I'm going to brief you on communication/conflict resolution skills that anyone can put to use at any time.

Lesson #1: It's okay to have feelings.
Some people think that their feelings make them weak, which is why so many choose to hide their feelings while under the misconception that they're actually in control of them. Get over it--you feel, I feel, we all feel, and it's normal.

Lesson #2a: Sharing feelings might be important.
I choose the word "might" because sometimes, in my opinion and preferred form of logic, it's actually better to keep some emotions to yourself. This may sound mean, but not all of your feelings really matter. Sometimes it's smarter to just shut your mouth and let those feelings pass. I practice this on a daily basis, and I think I'm getting better. Ask my husband for confirmation.

Lesson #2b: Sharing feelings might be important.
On the other hand, science has proven that our mental/emotional health is very closely related to our physical health. Personal experience: For months, I held on to some extremely negative emotions. During that time, I experienced equally extreme neck pain. I blamed my work for the pain. However, one night, I spontaneously confessed those forgotten feelings to a friend. The next day, the pain was mysteriously gone. I've since read scientific articles that confirm the relationship between mental and physical health. Talking about feelings is not something to be ashamed of; in fact, you'll probably come out stronger for it.

Lesson #3: I-messages are super (super nerdy, but there are ways around that).
I-messages are statements that begin with the word "I." For instance, if you're dog chases me while I'm running, I'm not going to tell you that you're stupid for not having him on a leash or behind a fence (partly because I live in a ghetto neighborhood and don't want to get attacked). But I'm also not going to tell you that, because you didn't have a handle on your dog, I got attacked. That's still blaming, and you'll likely become defensive. Instead I'm going say, "I feel disrespected and unsafe when your dog is not properly constrained."

I'm totally kidding. Even though that's a good example of an I-message, I'm realistic if nothing else, and I try not to be too lame. Here's what I might actually say: "Hey, I know you're sure your dog won't hurt me, but since I don't know that, could you please keep him from running after me. I could use the motivation, but not the heart attack." The purpose of I-messages is to eliminate blaming, therefore minimizing the odds that person number two will become defensive, turning one conflict into an entirely new one. If you have other examples or a reason why my example might be ineffective, please comment. I'd love to see your thoughts and suggestions.

Lesson #4: Think of the person with whom you have a conflict.
This isn't part of what I teach my students, and it's not something I learned in one of my communication courses, but I think it's relevant and necessary when attempting to resolve conflict. I don't need to tell you that we're all different. We come from different backgrounds, understandings, raisings, education, etc. What makes me tick may not make you tick, and vice versa. I, for one, appreciate polite straight-forwardness. Some of my friends prefer extreme gentleness when being confronted about relationship issues. Some people can become more defensive than others who will take criticism to heart. It's important to get your message across in your own way, but it's equally important (for your own sake) to get that message across in a way that will avoid misinterpretation, confusion, and frustration. That whole Golden Rule thing is sometimes a moot point.


Personal experience 2: I have a relationship that is particularly important to me. However, so many fights and arguments and incredibly mean and childish words have been passed between the two of us that we are each and together permanently scarred. This person and I rarely talk, rarely get along even, and our relationship seems to have come to a halt in a sad place. If I could go back and use what I've learned to prevent some of the cuts we've experienced, I would. If you've ever had a regret in your life, then you'd probably agree that it's worth it to make changes in order to prevent more regrets in the future. This is my own personal reason for stressing communication skills to my students.