Your self-esteem is my self-esteem.

Originally, my plan was to bounce from topic to topic. Plans change. If you haven't read my post from last week, I encourage you to do so before continuing this one, as you may not fully understand where I'm coming from. However, if you simply have no desire to read even more than you've summoned yourself to accomplish, I appreciate your honesty, and hopefully you'll understand enough.

 I don't know about you (since I haven't received any feedback...hint hint), but I completely failed my own challenge last week. I woke up the next morning with the greatest intentions, but throughout the day, I found myself unfocused, negative, and feeling defeated. I was irritable for no apparent reason--just ask my husband. When I would realize that I was not controlling my thoughts, one of two things would happen: I would criticize myself for not digging deeper, for being weak, for failing; or I would simply think, "what's the point today?" I gave up. That day stunk.

Since my last post, my self-esteem has plummeted--for various reasons, most of which came from my own head. I won't go into detail about that, but just know that if you found yourself in the same boat, you're not alone. It happens. Fortunately for me, an unplanned long run usually pulls me out of those funks, and last night's seven miles did the trick. While I was running, I remembered a TedTalks video that I recently watched while researching self-esteem for a presentation around the topic of self-harm. The speaker, Matthew Whoolery, approaches the topic of self-esteem from a point of view I've never imagined but makes so much sense to me. He says we should strip ourselves of self-esteem altogether. No more highs and lows! Simply think of others, and let others think of you. Here's the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjjPce_SbUA

His point of view struck me as genius for two reasons:
1) In a given family, if the members choose to think about each other rather than themselves, that means that each person has x amount of others thinking about his/her well-being and happiness. But if each individual only thinks about him/herself, well, you do the math, because I can't find the grammatically correct way to word that conclusion.
2) The Bible tells us to do this anyway! Coincidence? You're entitled to your own opinion. Here's my interpretation: In Mark 12:31, Jesus preaches that the second of the greatest commandments is to "love thy neighbour as thyself." He doesn't say to love our neighbors after we love ourselves, or similar to how we love ourselves, but as we love ourselves. I'm no preacher, and I've never studied theology, but I think Jesus was on to something (I think.) Maybe all this self-esteem crap would never have been a factor if we had all just put others a little higher on our priority lists than ourselves.

The funny thing about this particular topic is that I've preached it to students but have never really put it to practice myself, at least as enthusiastically as I should. Think about this: how do you feel when you make someone smile? Do you feel a sense of pride when you do a random good deed? For a stranger even? Have you ever noticed that you feel good about yourself when you do something selfless, when you put others first, even if it means you don't get that last doughnut? I think self-esteem is real, and maybe you can't completely lose it (in the good way) like Mr. Whoolery suggests, but perhaps you can fill your own bucket by first emptying it for others.

Here is my challenge for myself: to think of others and fill their buckets rather than worrying about my own. With that being said, I would like to send encouragements, acknowledgements, my gratitude, and simple words of kindness to you, in hopes that your spirit might be lifted for even a fraction of a second. For those of you who know me well, you don't need me to tell you that if I say something nice about you, I mean it. If I don't approve of your haircut, unless you're a third grader like the one I encountered today, I won't compliment it. So, please feel free to comment on this site or message me on Facebook or text me with a physical address, email address, or any way that I can share a kind word or two with you. There's no shame in asking for kindness. We all need it, and sometimes it seems like the world is full of nothing but criticisms.

Furthermore, I challenge you to pay it forward. If you receive a message from me that adds to your self-esteem bucket, make a deposit into someone else's. It could be as simple as smiling at someone who looks down, or saying "thank you" for the slightest kind gesture.

In the words of Coca Cola, "spread happiness."

Lesson 1: Self-esteem (Part 1)

I'm a good writer, always have been. Well, I guess that's not completely true. I've read some of my very first stories and poems from childhood, and they sucked. But for some reason, I was praised for them. Teachers told me how great they were and how creative I was. Man, they were suckers. And so was I. But here I am today, still writing, and still believing that I'm a good writer. Well, I am. But I wouldn't still believe it if I hadn't been told my whole life that I'm good at it. Sure, now I can read my own work and decide for myself if I think it's worthy enough to share with others or to recycle it (or in this case, to hit the delete button repeatedly). But that ability has come with years of practice and self-criticism.

Here's another example: one night at a get-together after one of my brother's pee-wee football games, I was playing soccer with all my brother's friends (yes, he had some friends; leave him alone). As I sat on the sidelines to catch a breather, one of the boys came and sat next me. He told me I was good at soccer, and that was that. I enjoyed playing, and someone said I was good at it, so I told my parents I wanted to play, and they registered me the next season. (But let me tell you how they plotted to rain on my self-esteem parade: I remember sitting in the kitchen when they entered to tell me I was on a team--the Pink Dragons. We wore PINK jerseys with PURPLE shorts, one PINK sock, and one PURPLE sock. My bucket emptied a little bit every time I put that uniform on. More on buckets later.)

So I'm good at writing and soccer, and I enjoy them both. Maybe I would have continued writing even if I had never received a compliment, but I wouldn't be sharing my work with anyone today. And I had never even thought of soccer until that night I was complimented by a random boy who probably didn't know the difference between a good player and a bad one, seeing as he was not a soccer player himself. My point is that it requires a degree of interest to pursue an activity, but it also requires a degree of confidence, and what does a child know about his/her abilities unless someone else points them out?

Enter "Life Skills." I talk to kids about self-esteem--what it is, how to get it, how to fill your own "bucket" and others'. I have students share what they like about themselves and then compliment each other. And it seems to work.

For kids.

But what about us adults? I can make a list of things I like about myself: I'm brutally honest; I love my dry sense of humor; I'm disciplined (unless free doughnuts are involved); I think I'm insightful; I have two great jobs that I'm passionate about; I can easily make my husband laugh; I'm thoughtful; others have looked up to me for advice or inspiration (mostly in the running community, but I'll take it); and I'm super proud of my yearly watch tan.

But I still struggle with self-esteem. As an adult, I'm not as easily distracted from my flaws as I was when I was younger, not that I have any... But seriously, there comes a time when we know ourselves all too well, or all too little, depending on how you look at it. I know what I'm good at and what I'm not, and I may be able to accept that. But to grow my self-esteem, distracting me for a few minutes with a bunch of compliments isn't going to change anything. At this point in my life, and for most of you as well (all of you, assuming I have no elementary-aged readers), my thoughts have to change. I--we--have to consciously come to the conclusion that our self-esteem is NOT controlled by anyone but ourselves. I can hold up my bucket and beg for compliments, and maybe I'll be surprised and feel good for a few moments, but ultimately, it's my own negative thoughts that are scooping that stupid bucket dry. No more buckets! When I start to get down, I have to remind myself that my thoughts are controlling me, and not the other way around, and that's wrong. But it's not easy to change my thoughts. That's where my faith comes in. Sometimes I realize how critical I am toward myself, and I pray that my God will take control, fight my battle against the enemy, because I'm under attack. I'm not supposed to hate myself, but I can't win this war by myself. That usually helps. Whether it's my prayers being answered or the simple realization that I actually have control of my own thoughts, I can't say for sure. I prefer to believe the former, so I do.

One thing to remember is that you can't change who you are over night. Actually, there's probably a series of steps that leads to total transformation, but I haven't googled it. And I can't speak for anyone but myself, but thoughts are powerful! Think of all the decisions you've made recently, or as many as you can, anyway. You probably put a lot of thought into some of them and so created some sort of change. Whether you put days of thought and prayer into a decision and came out on top or made a snap decision and regretted it, your thoughts led to your outcomes. If you thought you were not qualified for a position, you probably denied yourself the opportunity for a particular job. If you thought you were wise enough to make a good decision, you probably made that decision. Whether it was a good decision doesn't matter; you made it because you thought first.

So what the hell am I even talking about anymore? As children, our self-esteem is molded by others--their smiles, comments, acknowledgements, frowns, spanks, scorns, high-fives, hugs, pointed fingers, etc. As adults, we gain control of our self-esteem just like we gain control of our bodies. We decide what to accept as true or untrue, healthy or unhealthy. Our parents and teachers hopefully taught us some basics about health and wellness, nutrition and exercise. Or maybe they didn't. Now we're on our own and have to decide what goes into our bodies. I think it's the same with our thoughts and self-esteem. Those around us when we were young helped us to form certain opinions of ourselves, good or bad. Now we're on our own and have to choose which thoughts will guide our lives. Positive thoughts beget positive outcomes. Negative thoughts beget negative outcomes. The solution is so simple, and yet so difficult.

Here's my challenge to us: tomorrow morning, instead of looking in the mirror at all of our flaws or remembering our failures of today, let's think of positive qualities in ourselves. Then lets choose to build on those qualities throughout the day. For example, I may remind myself that I'm a trustworthy person, so I'll make every effort to prove my trustworthiness to myself (by holding my tongue about a rumor, keeping a secret, not playing Solitaire when I should be working, putting things back where they belong even when I feel too lazy to get up, etc.).

I welcome your comments, criticisms, questions, praises, stories, and suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.