Happy Anniversary to My Husband and Me

A couple of months ago, I shared with you that my husband and I were in the process of crushing our debt. His truck, my student loans, and some old credit baggage piled up to about $50,000 of debt. With the help of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, budgeting tips, and countless meals at the expense of others (suckers), we have just submitted our final payment and can now say that we are officially free of debt.

Rai and I have sacrificed quality razors, extra pairs of jeans, and buying birthday gifts for others, and much more. Just kidding, sort of. But our strict budgeting system and the use of the word "no" have lead us to this day. We are  excited to get to save money again, amazed at how quickly hard work has paid off, and feel a sense of liberation only comparable to running without a bra.

We are moving on to Step 3 of our money makeover, completing our emergency fund. This freedom does not mean we get to splurge left and right and throw our money away. Budgeting skills are still being sharpened, and more adult responsibilities are on the way.

Right now, I'm on my way to enjoy my 2-year anniversary celebration dinner, while a bouquet of flowers perfumes my office.

To tie this to a previous lesson on self-esteem, we set a goal two years ago, and we struggle now to describe just how proud we are of each other and how relieved we are that we can move on to the next step.

A Word About Words

Let's talk about fat. Are you fat? Yes or no. What determines your answer? Is it based on scientific fact? Is it based on how you look? Feel? Did someone call you fat? Have you ever called someone else fat?

Let's look at the definition of fat.
Noun: 

1. A natural oily or greasy substance occuring in animal bodies, especially when deposited as a layer under the skin or around certain organs
2. A fatty substance made from animal or plant products, used in cooking
3. The presence of excess fat in a person or animal, causing them to appear corpulent (By the way, "corpulent" apparently has no definition, just synonyms, one of which is "fat"-- kind of a round-about way of thinking if you ask me.)

Adjective:  

1. (of a person or animal) having a large amount of excess flesh
2. (of an animal bred for food) made plump for slaughter
3. Large in bulk or circumference
4.  informal (of an asset or opportunity) financially substantial or desirable

So, according to the Oxford dictionary, fat is mostly a good idea, neutral, even nutritional. What dictionaries don't tend to take into account, though, are the connotations of words, like "fat." If you answered yes to my first question, I'm guessing you answered it with a degree of disgust or reluctant acceptance. 

Now answer this question: Are you ugly? Yes or no. What determines your answer? Is it based on scientific fact? Did someone call you ugly? Have you ever called someone else ugly? 

Ugly:

1. Unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance
2. (Of a situation or mood) involving or likely to involve violence or other unpleasantness
3. Unpleasantly suggestive; causing disquiet
4. Morally repugnant     

"Ugly" is negative in itself; it has never been used with a positive connotation, except maybe at Halloween. The problem that I see most often, and have probably been guilty of in the past, is that people tend to determine one word from the other. If someone is fat, then he/she is ugly. But according to the rule of logic, wouldn't that mean that if someone were ugly, he/she would have to be fat as well? Problem: we, as a society, have added a negative connotation to the word "fat" that was never meant to be. If you go to the doctor and are told you are overweight, do you automatically think, "It's official--I'm fat"? I have a feeling the answer is another yes. But when doctors use the terms obese or overweight, they aren't referring to appearance. They are referring to health. 

Consider this (for those whom this applies to): the next time you look in the mirror and don't like what you see because of extra flab or plumpness, change your wording from, "I'm fat," to "I'm overweight." See if that doesn't change your outlook on yourself. 

Fat is an ugly word, unless you're a chef or a rancher. If you're overweight and want to improve your health, first you have to change your thoughts. I've had coaches tell me that overcoming long distances is more mental than physical, and I believe it. I also believe this philosophy can apply to any challenge in life, including losing weight and/or reaching a desired level of health. 

I'd like to end with this scenario: Imagine your dog or cat was "fat." It's funny for most people, even cute. When you take him for a walk or play at home, he starts to wheeze and needs a break after just a few minutes. He looks like a sorry fool when he rolls around on the floor, cleans himself, or waddles to the food bowl for his sixth meal. No one looks at him and thinks, "gross, he's fat." He doesn't care that he has extra flab or a large belly. He's just happy to be with you. But then you find out from your vet that if Fluffy doesn't lose some weight, he's not going to live a very long life. That means saying goodbye long before you expected. BOOM. Time to change. 

Now, I know it's easier to put our pets on diets because it doesn't mean that we have to suffer through a sweet tooth or portion control or low carb lifestyles, but try to put yourself in Fluffy's shoes. If you're overweight, obese, unhealthy, that doesn't mean you're ugly. It's just time to change--time to change your eating habits, time to change your exercise routine (or incorporate one), time to change how you feel, time to feel better. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: thoughts are powerful. Change your thoughts, and you can change most anything about yourself.

Live well.
 

A Bit of Randomness

Here are some topics I would like to write about in the near future:


Nutrition/exercise
Communication
Emotional crap


However, I have not been able to narrow how I would like to write about these. I am asking for your help. Please message me with more specific ways that I can approach these topics (or any other topics that relate to life skills, for that matter). To be honest, I've lost motivation, which is why I have neglected to post anything the past few weeks. HELP! I want back in the game, and I want you to enjoy reading and interacting.


First random paragraph:
To those of you who have commented on this site, I applaud you and THANK you. I can't tell you how much it means to me when I get to read your feedback and encouragement. Please don't give up on me.


Second random paragraph:
I would like to take this time to offer an example of goals and sub-goals, as I failed to offer adequate examples in my last post. My apologies.


Goal: Run a Boston Qualifying Time
(A Boston Qualifier for my division is 26.2 miles in 3:35:00. That's roughly 8:12 per mile pace.) This goal is Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-oriented (if you have trouble distinguishing attainable from realistic, you're not alone).


Sub-goals/short-term goals/objectives (take your pick):

• Run a half marathon at race pace or faster.
• Develop a level of fitness that allows me to run higher mileage with less recovery time (not very SMART, I know, but I won't know how to measure it until I get there...).
• Run three 20-milers during training without stopping to walk; pace does not matter.
• Remain soda-free for the duration of my training.

I'm following Hal Higdon's Advanced II training program almost to a T. I've already made some adjustments to the schedule, and I'm sure I'll have to make more as my training progresses. Here's what my first week of training looks like:


Monday: 3 mile run
Tuesday: 3xhill
Wednesday: cross-train (probably bike since the only lap pool in town is closed)
Thursday: 30 minute tempo
Friday: 5 mile pace
Saturday: 10 mile run
Sunday: Rest (and maybe ice cream)


This is an 18-week training program that involves two speed work sessions a week, a long run that only gets longer, and pace work, which will help me learn how to run at race pace for longer and longer distances.


I am registered to run the Dallas Marathon on December 13th of this year. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but it's important for me to remind myself that, considering the fact that this is only my second marathon, it may not be as feasible to accomplish this goal this time as it would if I had several marathons under my belt. Nonetheless, I follow a strict philosophy: Go big or go home.


Wish me luck, and share your goals as well. I would love to encourage you as you set your mind to accomplish something great, no matter how small it may seem to others.

Gooooooaaaalll!!!!!

Goal: Run a Boston Qualifier

• Increase mileage by 10% each week until first day of official training.
• Run faster: Incorporate more speed workouts, about twice a week.
• Stay healthy by eating more vegetables and getting a well-rounded diet with less sweets; drink plenty of water; listen to my body--if something hurts, address it.
• Get rest every night, and give body time to recover after long runs.
• Follow a strict training regimen, only making necessary adjustments.

Goal: Become debt-free

• Stick to a budget.
• Reduce spending to necessities, and limit everything else. (See previous tip on budgeting.)
• Pay off debts one at a time, starting with the smallest. Every extra penny goes to debt.
• Repeat every month until the shackles come off.

Goal:  Learn to play the harmonica

•  Buy a harmonica.
• Either take lessons or self-teach. 
• Practice for x amount of time each day. 

These are just a few of my long-term goals accompanied by short-term goals that will lead to success, hopefully.

There's a power in writing goals. Sure, we can dream all day, but until we write them down (or type), that's all they are--dreams. Writing them down gives us something tangible to hang onto and serves as motivation. Not only am I reading a book that encourages this, but I've been preaching this to my students for the past year, while not taking my own advice--until now.

Think about the goals you set as a kid. Even as an adult, how does it feel when you achieve something that took time, effort, and discipline? This is why we incorporate goal-setting into our self-esteem lessons. Even during your darkest of days, seeing that you've taken steps toward success is a deposit into that bucket we talked about.

What if you fail? That sucks. But if that happens, you may need to simply re-evaluate your goals. Are they Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely? If you answered "no" to any of these, it's time to think SMART. Think about what got in the way last time, and try to figure out how to avoid that road block the next time. You may even have to change your goal altogether. Win some and lose some; accept reality and do what you can to make it better. CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS from negative to positive. You failed? Not yet, you didn't, 'cause you haven't given up yet.

Long-term goals can be over-whelming, and sometimes it's too easy to lose momentum when you're not seeing the results you expected. That's why it's also important to set those short-term goals, every week if need be.

I encourage you to write down your goals and to follow the SMART rules. Anyone can benefit from this, in   your personal life, work life, relationships, etc.

I'm keeping it pretty short this time; I realized the past few were pretty long. Thanks for reading, and please comment when you get the chance. I love writing, but I love reading too.

Shhh...It's a Secret!

I've had a few people suggest that I write about my adventure to becoming debt-free, and since managing finances is an important life skill, I have decided to oblige my readers. I hope this is helpful.

Honestly, I can't take all the credit here, but I'll accept most. Let's start off with the big BANG, the ultimate secret to saving money and getting out of debt:

The key to saving money (for anything, including debt) is to STOP SPENDING IT. That's it.

Here's the reason I'll accept most of the credit for our success thus far: I'm cheap. Some may call it "frugal," but I'm cheap--always have been. I've been a penny pincher my whole life, analyzing and reanalyzing almost every purchase I've ever made. Though my husband has given in to much of my brainwashing since we married almost two years ago, he spent most of his life as an impulse buyer. (More on stress-management later)

So there's Tip #1--stop spending your money. Obviously, this is harder for some than for others. I admit that this has not been as difficult for me as for my husband, but we agreed on a goal and have held each other tight during the moments when ice cream is so geographically close, yet financially out of reach. Sometimes you just have to say "no." Say "no" to those books on your list (my biggest problem, besides doughnuts and chicken nuggets). Say "no" to that fancy hotel and settle for the next best. Say "no" to a night at the clubs and enjoy an evening of games with friends. What I would recommend is to look at all of your spending for any given month; outside of bills and necessities, where does most of your money go--food? movies? music? books? Whatever it is, make a plan to decrease your spending on that vice for the next month. Think outside the box.

My next tip is to read Dave Ramsey's Total Money-Makeover. Not only is he logical and smart, but motivational too! That's the first thing we did before we started to make major contributions towards getting out of debt. We use his envelope system, emergency fund, savings depletion (mostly, anyway, and it was heart-breaking--I'm the saver, remember?), and we've constantly reminded ourselves that we're not even as debt-consumed as most others. Follow his tips, and you'll be on the road to freedom in no time.

 I think the most helpful tool during our journey has been our system of budgeting. I would post an example, but I'm getting hungry, and that would take too long, so I'll just try to explain it.

1. At the beginning of every month, we UNDER-estimate EVERY pay check and add them together (assuming we'll make less than we actually do--we rarely over-estimate, and yes, it's a little more than annoying when that happens). That's our estimated income. 
2. We then list EVERY bill we pay throughout the month, OVER-estimating for any bill that's not concrete, like utilities, gas, etc. This is our estimated costs.We leave a little room for miscellaneous, such as toll bills, oil changes, co-pays, and other stuff that we can still usually foresee. But we still estimate EVERY penny spent.
3. Then we subtract our estimated costs from our estimated income. Whatever is left over goes to debt. Ramsey advises this as well.

Throughout the month, I look in on our income/costs and update the spreadsheet. I have an estimated column and an actual column. We pay towards our debt at the end of the month, so we know exactly what we can afford. For a control-freak like me, this can greatly decrease stress over finances. I no longer freak out when something unexpected happens, because I know we can afford it, even if it means we have to decrease how much goes towards our debt. For an impulse buyer like my husband, having a certain amount of money designated to WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SPEND IT ON can help you gain control of your spending and teach you to be a little bit more conservative.

We've each had to make personal sacrifices, but we haven't had to say "no" to ALL fun. We budget ahead of time when we know friends will be in town or if we'll have a wedding to attend or special occasion coming up. If we have a really good month of income, we budget for date nights and other activities that may cost more than we're used to spending. If we have a less-than-really-good month, we budget for Red Box and gazing at the stars. We've gotten really good at finding deals and steals.

For those of you who are curious, when my husband and I married (again, just under 2 years ago), we were somewhere around $50k in the whole. We hope to be completely debt-free in just a few short months. We're middle class, average Americans. It CAN be done.

Discipline.

If you have any questions or would like some other pointers/advice or have any recommendations of your own, success stories, ANYTHING, please comment. I love getting mail (messages, whatever).

"B.S." in Communication

I know what you're thinking, but the "B.S." actually stands for Bachelor of Science, though sometimes I think the other term is more appropriate.

When people ask about my degree in communication, I struggle to explain what all I learned and how it could benefit me now and in the future. I took an assortment of journalism courses, learning laws, ethics, how to edit, how to get my writing published, etc. I also concentrated, for a year or two, in public relations and event management (that was all a big blur, honestly, and I came out with more frustrations than knowledge, hence I exited the program just before my final semester). I also took several technical writing courses, which I absolutely loved and excelled in, though I seldom put those skills to good use. Finally, I worked to get my minor in business, taking more than a handful of marketing classes, and a totally different perspective on communication.

What am I doing with this education now?

Not much.

However, the one class that stands out to me the most when I think back is the Interpersonal Communication class I took my sophomore year. Oddly enough, that course entailed much of what I communicate to my students now. My youngest kids seem to understand why it's so important to talk about our feelings, but many of us adults don't know how to do that in a way that doesn't offend the person with whom we have a conflict.

In conclusion (jk, not really), I learned in college just how ineffective my conflict resolution skills had been. A tad late, no?
What if I had learned about I-messages and how to express my feelings at an earlier age? Could some of my relationships now be better than they actually are? Could I have avoided countless fights and arguments and misunderstandings during my first 20 years of living? (Probably, assuming the other parties had received the same education--relationships are not one-way streets, after all.) And now that I have this awareness, how can I possibly make these changes today, considering the fact that these other parties have not received this education or been made aware of their own errors?

Well, if I could learn late, then so can others. I'm going to brief you on communication/conflict resolution skills that anyone can put to use at any time.

Lesson #1: It's okay to have feelings.
Some people think that their feelings make them weak, which is why so many choose to hide their feelings while under the misconception that they're actually in control of them. Get over it--you feel, I feel, we all feel, and it's normal.

Lesson #2a: Sharing feelings might be important.
I choose the word "might" because sometimes, in my opinion and preferred form of logic, it's actually better to keep some emotions to yourself. This may sound mean, but not all of your feelings really matter. Sometimes it's smarter to just shut your mouth and let those feelings pass. I practice this on a daily basis, and I think I'm getting better. Ask my husband for confirmation.

Lesson #2b: Sharing feelings might be important.
On the other hand, science has proven that our mental/emotional health is very closely related to our physical health. Personal experience: For months, I held on to some extremely negative emotions. During that time, I experienced equally extreme neck pain. I blamed my work for the pain. However, one night, I spontaneously confessed those forgotten feelings to a friend. The next day, the pain was mysteriously gone. I've since read scientific articles that confirm the relationship between mental and physical health. Talking about feelings is not something to be ashamed of; in fact, you'll probably come out stronger for it.

Lesson #3: I-messages are super (super nerdy, but there are ways around that).
I-messages are statements that begin with the word "I." For instance, if you're dog chases me while I'm running, I'm not going to tell you that you're stupid for not having him on a leash or behind a fence (partly because I live in a ghetto neighborhood and don't want to get attacked). But I'm also not going to tell you that, because you didn't have a handle on your dog, I got attacked. That's still blaming, and you'll likely become defensive. Instead I'm going say, "I feel disrespected and unsafe when your dog is not properly constrained."

I'm totally kidding. Even though that's a good example of an I-message, I'm realistic if nothing else, and I try not to be too lame. Here's what I might actually say: "Hey, I know you're sure your dog won't hurt me, but since I don't know that, could you please keep him from running after me. I could use the motivation, but not the heart attack." The purpose of I-messages is to eliminate blaming, therefore minimizing the odds that person number two will become defensive, turning one conflict into an entirely new one. If you have other examples or a reason why my example might be ineffective, please comment. I'd love to see your thoughts and suggestions.

Lesson #4: Think of the person with whom you have a conflict.
This isn't part of what I teach my students, and it's not something I learned in one of my communication courses, but I think it's relevant and necessary when attempting to resolve conflict. I don't need to tell you that we're all different. We come from different backgrounds, understandings, raisings, education, etc. What makes me tick may not make you tick, and vice versa. I, for one, appreciate polite straight-forwardness. Some of my friends prefer extreme gentleness when being confronted about relationship issues. Some people can become more defensive than others who will take criticism to heart. It's important to get your message across in your own way, but it's equally important (for your own sake) to get that message across in a way that will avoid misinterpretation, confusion, and frustration. That whole Golden Rule thing is sometimes a moot point.


Personal experience 2: I have a relationship that is particularly important to me. However, so many fights and arguments and incredibly mean and childish words have been passed between the two of us that we are each and together permanently scarred. This person and I rarely talk, rarely get along even, and our relationship seems to have come to a halt in a sad place. If I could go back and use what I've learned to prevent some of the cuts we've experienced, I would. If you've ever had a regret in your life, then you'd probably agree that it's worth it to make changes in order to prevent more regrets in the future. This is my own personal reason for stressing communication skills to my students. 

Your self-esteem is my self-esteem.

Originally, my plan was to bounce from topic to topic. Plans change. If you haven't read my post from last week, I encourage you to do so before continuing this one, as you may not fully understand where I'm coming from. However, if you simply have no desire to read even more than you've summoned yourself to accomplish, I appreciate your honesty, and hopefully you'll understand enough.

 I don't know about you (since I haven't received any feedback...hint hint), but I completely failed my own challenge last week. I woke up the next morning with the greatest intentions, but throughout the day, I found myself unfocused, negative, and feeling defeated. I was irritable for no apparent reason--just ask my husband. When I would realize that I was not controlling my thoughts, one of two things would happen: I would criticize myself for not digging deeper, for being weak, for failing; or I would simply think, "what's the point today?" I gave up. That day stunk.

Since my last post, my self-esteem has plummeted--for various reasons, most of which came from my own head. I won't go into detail about that, but just know that if you found yourself in the same boat, you're not alone. It happens. Fortunately for me, an unplanned long run usually pulls me out of those funks, and last night's seven miles did the trick. While I was running, I remembered a TedTalks video that I recently watched while researching self-esteem for a presentation around the topic of self-harm. The speaker, Matthew Whoolery, approaches the topic of self-esteem from a point of view I've never imagined but makes so much sense to me. He says we should strip ourselves of self-esteem altogether. No more highs and lows! Simply think of others, and let others think of you. Here's the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjjPce_SbUA

His point of view struck me as genius for two reasons:
1) In a given family, if the members choose to think about each other rather than themselves, that means that each person has x amount of others thinking about his/her well-being and happiness. But if each individual only thinks about him/herself, well, you do the math, because I can't find the grammatically correct way to word that conclusion.
2) The Bible tells us to do this anyway! Coincidence? You're entitled to your own opinion. Here's my interpretation: In Mark 12:31, Jesus preaches that the second of the greatest commandments is to "love thy neighbour as thyself." He doesn't say to love our neighbors after we love ourselves, or similar to how we love ourselves, but as we love ourselves. I'm no preacher, and I've never studied theology, but I think Jesus was on to something (I think.) Maybe all this self-esteem crap would never have been a factor if we had all just put others a little higher on our priority lists than ourselves.

The funny thing about this particular topic is that I've preached it to students but have never really put it to practice myself, at least as enthusiastically as I should. Think about this: how do you feel when you make someone smile? Do you feel a sense of pride when you do a random good deed? For a stranger even? Have you ever noticed that you feel good about yourself when you do something selfless, when you put others first, even if it means you don't get that last doughnut? I think self-esteem is real, and maybe you can't completely lose it (in the good way) like Mr. Whoolery suggests, but perhaps you can fill your own bucket by first emptying it for others.

Here is my challenge for myself: to think of others and fill their buckets rather than worrying about my own. With that being said, I would like to send encouragements, acknowledgements, my gratitude, and simple words of kindness to you, in hopes that your spirit might be lifted for even a fraction of a second. For those of you who know me well, you don't need me to tell you that if I say something nice about you, I mean it. If I don't approve of your haircut, unless you're a third grader like the one I encountered today, I won't compliment it. So, please feel free to comment on this site or message me on Facebook or text me with a physical address, email address, or any way that I can share a kind word or two with you. There's no shame in asking for kindness. We all need it, and sometimes it seems like the world is full of nothing but criticisms.

Furthermore, I challenge you to pay it forward. If you receive a message from me that adds to your self-esteem bucket, make a deposit into someone else's. It could be as simple as smiling at someone who looks down, or saying "thank you" for the slightest kind gesture.

In the words of Coca Cola, "spread happiness."